Managing Anger Constructively

What you will be able to do

• explain the difference between anger, aggression and assertiveness.
• identify your main triggers and the 'fuel' that makes you more likely to snap.
• recognise your early warning signs in your body, thoughts and behaviour.
• use quick calming skills and a personal calm-down card in the moment.
• take a safe, planned time-out and come back to resolve the issue.
• challenge angry thinking traps and speak up using assertive 'I' statements.
• name the New Zealand services that can help, including the Family Violence Information Line, Women's Refuge and 1737.

1. 1Understanding anger

   Learn what anger is, why it is a normal emotion, and how to tell the difference between anger that helps and anger that causes harm.

   • Anger is normal: it is what you do with it that counts
   • The anger cycle: from trigger to aftermath
   • When anger becomes a problem

   Anger log

2. 2Spotting your triggers and early warning signs

   Find out what sets your anger off, what makes you more likely to snap, and the first signs in your body and mind that anger is building.

   • Your triggers and your 'fuel'
   • Early warning signs in your body, thoughts and actions

   Early warning signs checkerAnger log

3. 3Calming down in the moment

   Learn quick, practical skills to bring your anger down when it is rising, so you can choose what to do next.

   • Fast calming skills that work anywhere
   • Pause before you send, say or drive
   • Putting your calm-down card together

   Calm-down cards

4. 4Time-outs that actually work

   Learn how to take a proper time-out: leaving safely before anger gets out of hand, calming down, and coming back to sort things out.

   • How a time-out works
   • Coming back and putting things right

   Time-out planCalm-down cards

5. 5Changing angry thinking and speaking up well

   Spot the thinking traps that pour fuel on anger, and learn to say what you need clearly and respectfully at home, with children and at work.

   • Thinking traps that fuel anger
   • Assertive communication: saying what you need
   • Anger with children, family and at work

   Anger logTime-out plan

6. 6Lowering your baseline and getting support

   Look after the everyday things that shorten your fuse, such as sleep, food, alcohol and stress, know where to get help in New Zealand, and plan how to keep going.

   • Sleep, food, alcohol and movement
   • Where to get help in New Zealand
   • Keeping it going: your relapse plan

   Anger logEarly warning signs checker

• TrackerAnger logRecord each time you feel angry for four weeks so you can see your triggers, warning signs, what you did and what helped.
• CheckerEarly warning signs checkerTick the body, thought and behaviour signs you notice as anger builds, so you can learn your personal early warnings and step in sooner.
• TemplateTime-out planWrite your personal time-out plan in advance: your signal, where you will go, what you will do to calm down and how you will come back.
• CardsCalm-down cardsPocket-sized cards with quick, practical steps to bring your anger down in the moment, to keep in your wallet, on your phone or on the fridge.