Parenting After Separation

What you will be able to do

• explain what children commonly feel at different ages and what helps them most.
• plan and hold a calm, age-appropriate conversation about the separation.
• write short, factual, polite messages that reduce conflict with your co-parent.
• describe the main routes to agreeing parenting arrangements and child support in New Zealand, and where to find official information.
• create a written co-parenting plan and a shared two-week calendar.
• run calm, well-prepared handovers using a checklist.
• recognise signs that a child, or you, need extra support and know where to go.
• recognise warning signs of family violence and find confidential help.

1. 1What children need when parents separate

   Understand how separation can feel for children at different ages, and the few things that make the biggest difference to how they cope.

   • How children may feel, age by age
   • The four things that help children most

   Support signposting

2. 2Telling the children and the first weeks

   Plan how to tell your children, what to say and avoid, and how to steady the first weeks of life in two homes.

   • Planning the conversation
   • The first weeks: steadying two homes

   Communication scriptsShared calendar planner

3. 3Communicating with your co-parent

   Learn a business-like way of communicating, how to reply to difficult messages, and what to do when talking directly is too hard.

   • A business-like co-parenting relationship
   • When direct communication is hard

   Communication scriptsIs co-parenting safe for us? A private check

4. 4Making parenting arrangements in New Zealand

   Understand your options for agreeing care arrangements, how Family Dispute Resolution and the Family Court fit in, how to build a parenting plan and the basics of child support.

   • Your options: agree, mediate, or apply to court
   • Building your parenting plan
   • Money: child support basics

   Co-parenting plan templateSupport signposting

5. 5Two homes, smooth handovers

   Make handovers calm and predictable, and manage the shared calendar, school, holidays and special days without battles.

   • Handovers that protect children
   • Shared calendars, school and special days

   Handover checklistShared calendar planner

6. 6Looking after yourself and noticing when children need more help

   Protect your own wellbeing through separation, and know the signs that a child may need extra support and where to find it.

   • Looking after yourself
   • When a child needs more help

   Support signposting

7. 7Safety first, and the longer journey

   Recognise when co-parenting is not safe and where to get confidential help, then look ahead to new partners and the years to come.

   • When co-parenting is not safe: family violence
   • New partners, new chapters and the long view

   Is co-parenting safe for us? A private checkSupport signpostingCo-parenting plan templateCommunication scripts

• TemplateCo-parenting plan templateWrite down the practical arrangements for your children in one place, so both homes work from the same agreement.
• CheckerHandover checklistUse before and after each handover so children move between homes calmly, with everything they need.
• CardsCommunication scriptsReady-to-adapt words for the conversations that are hardest to get right, with your co-parent and with your children.
• PlannerShared calendar plannerMap a two-week pattern of where the children sleep, handovers and activities, so both parents and the children can see it at a glance.
• ListSupport signpostingOfficial services and established New Zealand organisations for safety, legal information, money, your wellbeing and your children, all in one place.
• CheckerIs co-parenting safe for us? A private checkSome situations are not safe for ordinary co-parenting. This private check helps you notice warning signs and points you to confidential help.